The (Often Wrong) Stories We Tell Ourselves
Have you ever been in a conversation or situation where the other person is distracted, angry or you feel something is just off? Oftentimes, we jump right to the conclusion that I must have said something wrong five minutes ago or the night before? Or the other person must be mad at you for not doing the dishes right?
Oftentimes, we develop this “mindreading” of the other person and their intentions, even during a single conversation. This is a way that our brains have adapted to help us sort out threats. We scan for situations that may cause us harm and often, we will then react to protect ourselves, such as stopping and leaving the conversation, getting angry with the other person, or snapping at them to get them to re-engage.
While this mindreading might be helpful at times, it is often much more damaging to relationships and can cause increased distance or pain within relationships..
For example: My husband has always enjoyed playing video games and we had a weekend off that was pretty sparsely scheduled for once. So we hung out with friends in the morning, relaxed a bit in the early afternoon on our porch, and then took more of our individual (introverted) time apart.
I took a nap and watched some of the latest episodes of a show on Netflix while my husband hopped onto the computer to play some games. Fast forward 5 hours, I was starting to tire of watching TV and somehow he was still playing his games…
So where did my mind jump? He doesn’t want to spend time with me. He is frustrated with me. He is more interested in his games than me. And note, we had clearly said that we didn’t have official plans and he was more than free to spend his free hours how he wanted. And yet, I still felt rejected.
Realizing some of those feelings, I could have done a few things. I could have run into our computer space frustrated and mad, telling him to stop playing and do something productive.
I could have gotten more and more frustrated, angrily watching my show, making dinner and feeling resentment for the rest of the night without expressing anything besides some passive aggression towards him.
I also could have left our apartment and just gone and done my own thing, “rejecting him” by doing something clearly on my own.
And yet, none of those things would have resolved my feelings, allowed me to express my fears, or become more connected with my husband.
In this example, I was taking his actions of playing video games for what felt like ridiculously long to me (not being a video game person) and began thinking that it was him purposefully rejecting me. I had created the story that he was avoiding me or didn’t care about me and that was why he was playing video games for so long. I came up with my own explanation for his actions, in an attempt to validate my own feelings and fears.
The story I was telling myself was that he was mad and angry and would rather play video games than talk with me.
Once we are able to identify and understand these mind reading stories we tell ourselves, we can start to break them down and actually start to fact-check them with others. Oftentimes the intentions we are putting to other’s actions are not actually present. Instead we are just so in our own heads, anxieties and fears that we read bad intentions into the actions of those around us..
And yet, once we are able to identify these stories, we can then be open to many more ways of engaging those around us with curiosity and openness instead of closing down.
How can we start identifying these stories?
Start by identifying what you are feeling in your body. What sensations are coming up for you right at this moment? Are you feeling a tightening in your gut? Is your body tightening up? Is your heart racing and it’s hard to catch your breath? Is it hard for you to sit still because it feels like you’re bursting with energy?
In the above example, I was starting to feel a bit jittery, my stomach was knotting up, and I had extra energy coming up that wasn’t being satisfied by sitting on the couch any longer.
Identify what feeling(s) may be attached to that sensation. Body sensations can mean different things. Muscles tightening up could be nervousness or fear. So could a racing heart rate. Having low energy could be from feeling tired or really sad.
Take a moment and name one possible emotion and see if that feels right for you at this moment. Note that you may be feeling a couple different emotions at once and that is completely normal! (*Another blog on this coming soon!)
For me, I was feeling lonely, rejected, and a little frustrated. I felt sad and didn’t want that to continue.
Then name the event or thing that brought up that feeling/sensation. What are the actual events that are happening that are bringing up these emotions? Note that this could be what you are doing or what the other person is doing.Name these facts to identify for yourself what is happening.
In the example above, I was sitting alone in our living room and my husband was playing on the computer for five hours.
Lastly, and likely the hardest step is to identify the story behind your feelings about the events happening.
If someone was quiet in a conversation, and you were feeling annoyed and worried, you could be telling yourself that the other person is mad at you and not talking because of that.
If someone left the kitchen light on and you’re frustrated, you could be telling yourself that your roommate is inconsiderate and rude, or not respecting you.
If you are making dinner for the fifth time this week and are feeling tired or frustrated, you could be telling yourself that your spouse/partner doesn’t care about the work that you put in for the family.
For me, I caught myself thinking that my husband cared more about the video games than me. That story connected my feelings of frustration and rejection with the events that were happening.
Here’s where we get to choose what happens next. We can decide to act upon these stories because we “know” they are the truth of the situation. We can decide to snap at those around us, passively aggressively wash the dishes left in the sink, yell at our loved ones, or slam doors to express our frustration. And yet, those actions are not helpful in the long run.
Or we can choose to talk with the other person and share the story that we are telling ourselves to see if it’s even based on their truth and experience of the moment.
This is a story I hear and see so often: How often when you finally talk to a friend that you have felt was mad at you and found out that they were thinking that you were mad at them? Both of you were avoiding the situation and didn’t know what was going on, so you just assumed that the other was mad. Both people created stories about how the other person was feeling and had inadvertently created more distance between them. Often once it’s revealed, both people laugh and are able to address the concerns with openness.
I have found so much more peace and connection when I share my self-told stories to the people around me. With my husband, I shared my feelings of loneliness and disconnectedness. I told him, “when you continued to play on the computer for so long, the story I told myself was that you were mad and avoiding me.”
And in my case, he was surprised. “I wasn’t mad at you!” My husband loves playing video games and it was a way for him to problem solve and make progress in a game that draws upon resourcefulness and creativity. He did lose track of the time (yay ADHD!) but had no intent of ignoring me. After he heard my feelings, we were able to both reconnect and have some intentional time with each other.
Hearing his own reasons for his actions, helped me make sense of his actions and release some of my own frustration and sadness. I also shared my want for more intentional couple time with him, and he was able to meet me there. Just as I can’t read his mind, my husband can’t read my mind. If we want certain things from one another, we need to ask for them.
I almost lost out on some great quality time with my husband because of that self-created story. Instead we had a fun rest of the evening with food, laughter, and conversation.
Take some time and think about what stories you create about the actions of those around you. Start to catch yourself and name these stories for what they are. “The story I’m telling myself is…” And when you’re ready, start sharing those stories with those around you to see if they are true. Most of the time, the story is all of your own making. Worst case, the concern is in the open and can actually be addressed.
If you want help processing dynamics in your relationships, consider couples or individual counseling. Click here to learn more information about Brittany, and/or sign up for a free consultation to see if I am the right fit for you and your partner.
