Sex and Couples Counseling

There is a very important topic that often is overlooked in couples or marriage therapy: SEX. 

Sex in today’s society can either be talked about all the time, or completely ignored. There seems to be little middle ground, whether in the media or in real life. Think of almost any TV show and you’ll find sex being completely ignored or significantly focused on. For example, Sex in the City, the Bachelor/Bachelorette (and all of the spin-offs), Malcom in the Middle, Bridgerton, etc. The list goes on and on…

And to add to the disparity, If you grew up within the Christian church like me, sex was even more overlooked, ignored and was just addressed as a small aspect of marriage and even then often as a given. Some people took it as a “responsibility” to bear and it was rarely seen as a fun way to engage and relate with your loved one. In my house growing up, sex was a topic that was never addressed and it was not until I became a counselor and married myself that I was able and willing to start pushing myself to talk about this aspect of relationships with my partner. 

It’s time to start talking about sex more openly, even if just within our homes or with our friends, because sex is a significant part of healthy relationships and marriages!

A sexless marriage, while not all too uncommon, can be a sign of a relationship without closeness and emotional intimacy. 

Sex is one way that people bond emotionally and connect with vulnerability and freedom. It is an odd blend of vulnerability and closeness, openness and containment. 

So how do we start having these so necessary conversations? 

One way to start talking about sex is to identify your own sexual desires and patterns. Emily Nagoski in her book Come As You Are discusses the idea of “gas pedals” and “brake pedals” in regards to sexual desire. Gas pedals are things that excite us and have us wanting to have sex with our partner, while brake pedals are things that shut down sexual excitement and often have us pulling away from our partners. The following lists are some general ideas to help you start thinking and reflect on how they might be present in your own life/relationship.

Common gas pedals are:

• Feeling emotionally connected with your partner. Yes, closeness emotionally begets closeness physically and vice versa! What a cool cycle it is when it’s working well!!)

• Feeling attractive or feeling like the other person is attracted to you

• Feeling fully engaged in the moment and present with you and your partner in the now

• Positive feelings/thoughts about yourself and your body

• Thoughts about yourself or your partner in a sexy scene or memories of great connection

• For some people, spiritual connection to each other or God during sex

• Positive past relationships/sexual experiences 

• External factors such as use of toys, lubricants, vibrators, kinks, etc

• Sex talk or noises

Common brake pedals are:

• Feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner

• Feeling unattractive or negative view of self

• Thoughts of being rejected by the other person

• Stress or feeling overwhelmed

• Spiritual thoughts/fears about sex (ex. Sex is bad or a sin)

• Negative past relationships/sexual experiences with your current partner or a past partner

Notice that these lists often mirror one another. And while these are some common examples, there are so many more gas and brake pedals and ways that they might differ from one person to another. If you can identify which ones are most helpful for you as gas pedals, you will have much more awareness of your own sexual cycle and patterns. 

Once you know yourself, you can become curious about these patterns and if they are the same or different for your partner. Talking about these things (before, during, or after sex) opens up so much more possibility to connect with one another in a positive way! And as you start talking, you and your partner can get better about these communications and learn about the other person in rewarding and rich ways!

So how can you and your partner start talking about sex?

Listen to this Podcast

Check out the amazing podcast Foreplay Radio (also on Spotify and other podcast platforms). A couples counselor and sex therapist duo leads couples and therapists through sex therapy, addresses a variety of different topics, and provides ideas for having better sex and communication every step of the way.

Yes/No/Maybe lists

Start by going through one of the lists below by yourself and/or share it with your partner. You will go through and name each option as a yes (comfortable and good to go), no (uncomfortable/do not want to explore further), or maybe (if given the right conditions/comfortability). Here are three different lists to explore: One, Two, Three. Pick the one that feels most comfortable for you. Make sure you have time to think through the questions before you share with your partner to create more comfortability around these conversations. 

There’s even an app that you and your partner can use to complete and then share the lists with each other.

Watch this show together

There is a fun show on Netflix called How to Build a Sex Room. In the show a woman (I refer to her as the fairy-godmother of sex rooms) helps a broad spectrum of individuals and couples find connection and rebuild their intimacy with themselves and each other. Watch an episode (each one follows multiple stories) and talk about what you might be interested in trying and what would not feel comfortable for you. Each episode can bring up a lot of topics and ideas, and get conversations started.

Find someone to help you and your partner get this conversation started!

Find a local couples counselor!

Maybe talking about sex is a conversation you don't know how to start. Or you've tried and it hasn't gone well on your own. Having a couples counselor help you navigate this conversation can be ground-breaking! They can start to help you identify patterns that are helpful as well as ones that are preventing you from having the intimacy you desire. Couples counselors can help open up the conversation in a safe way and help you navigate the difficult spots as a team. Whether there's hurt or pain to be addressed, fear of rejection, or unspoken wants, couples counseling can help you navigate these sex conversations.

Couples counselors should be able to have these conversations, but to ensure comfortability in this area ask for their experience with sex therapy during your consultation or the first session. There are also specially trained sex therapists that can provide amazing spaces for this conversation/discovery. 

If you live in Colorado and are interested in this type of counseling, I love working with couples to create more connection and intimacy in their sex lives! Reach out for a free consultation and see if I’m the right fit for you and your loved one!