Why the Honeymoon Phase Comes to an End (and What to do About it)
Starting a new relationship is fresh and exciting. There’s new things to learn about the other person and you enjoy making the time to dive deep with one another. As time goes on, you have to stay intentional about making special time to stay connected to keep your relationship strong.
Note: Just this last week, I was listening to a fantastic podcast which brought this topic to the forefront of my mind. I wanted to share some cool revelations that came to mind even more as I was processing.
Think about how your relationship started and how much intentional time and conversation you made for one another when you were dating and getting to know each other.
Perhaps you talked for hours at a time and always wanted to talk with one another.
Perhaps you enjoyed trying out new activities together or showed one another your individual interests.
Perhaps you thought about the other person when you were falling asleep and day dreamed about them when they weren’t present.
Perhaps you prioritized spending special time one-on-one.
And yet, how much of that are you currently doing for your relationship at this time?
When you are living together, maybe even working next to each other (if working from home), you see this person all the time. You know their routines and what they do pretty deeply by this point.
Once the new-ness of the relationship fades, you start to learn what patterns lie behind it.
How that comfortability (and eventually felt distance from one another) impacts the relationship:
Likely, you are now spending much less intentional time with one another, having such deep conversations….
You are not learning new things together or talking about your own hobbies as much. There’s less excitement and newness, because you may have already talked about it a time or ten.
Less intentional time together often leads to less deep/profound emotional connection.
Less emotional connection often leads to less sexual tension/desire which will naturally lead to less sex.
Less sex often leads to less emotional connection.
You may feel comfortable and at peace with one another, but less of a desire to dive in deep because you’ve already “been there, done that.”
So what can you do about it?
First let’s change how we think about it:
About a month ago, I wrote another blog post about how people change over time. People are constantly changing and that means that not only you as a person are shifting and changing, but so is your partner. So for many couples, there may be a shift in thinking that needs to take place.
Just because you’ve talked about your work, doesn’t mean you’re working on all the same projects that you had been since you started dating. Just because you’ve talked about your favorite video games doesn’t mean there hasn’t been a fun new one that you want to share and talk about. Just because you’ve gone dancing, doesn’t mean you don’t have new dances or moves to learn. There are new things that each person is still learning and doing that can still be shared.
Start looking at what new pieces of information you can talk about, and start to explore what else do you want to learn for yourself, or what new hobbies do you want to try as a couple.
Learning new things individually or as a couple, will bring in new topics of conversation and add a new layer of conversation.
At times one or both partners may lose sight of their own interests as they prioritize the relationship. While this feels great for a time, it often leads to less personal fulfillment and even less personal drive towards individual goals in the long run. Giving yourself permission to learn or try something new for yourself can help provide more richness to conversations with your partner, because you have your own things to bring to the table.
One thing you can do every day: Partings and Greetings
Something else that I draw attention to for couples is how they engage with one another when they are leaving one another (at least for extended amounts of time such as a day at work) and when they come home. These moments of parting and reconnection are very significant for kids and continue to have importance to us as adults, even if not as vividly.
Think about how you greet your pets or kids when you come home! There’s such excitement and energy that often takes place.
How often do you create those special moments with your partner?
These moments can be so easily missed. However, setting up a familiar routine around these times will help you both draw closer together by drawing more attention to time spent apart and time spent together.
Make these moments intentional and special.
Part with a kiss and an “I’ll be thinking about you.” Greet one another with a solid and close hug. Even just 15 seconds for each of these times, just 30 seconds each day, will make a big impact for your relationship. Honoring these moments can create a better rhythm of connection.
What else you can do
Start by becoming more intentional about creating time for connection to take place.
Once you get live together, you may see each other all the time. This may mean that you are physically by each other all the time, but how intentional is that time?
Start by noticing how often these times are intentional and use the other ideas to further enrich these moments.
Start re-instating a weekly date night!
Set aside a couple of hours each week to connect and talk or do things together. Take some time periodically to actually dress up for each other, make a nice dinner at home, or go out to a fun new restaurant. Want some ideas:
Check out the local art or history museum. Maybe even look up when is the next free or reduced entry day.
If you are book readers, go to the library or book store and talk about your favorite books or most recent interesting read.
Share what you learned in your favorite podcast or listen to one together.
Walk around the local park or try a nearby hike.
Go on a no-spend date to IKEA or set a time to daydream about “one day” goals. (This is also a way to check in and see if each other’s dreams and goals have changed!)
Here’s a great article that talks about the different types of dates that can be explored.
Please note that there are so many options that can be free or minimal spending dates! Dates do not have to be extravagant expensive things. They can be free and fun time spent together!
Have a regular date night, even if just at home, where you regularly spend time talking or having fun together!
Mix up your conversations!
If you google 50 or 100 questions to ask your partner, there are hundreds of options online. I guarantee there are so many questions out there that you haven’t explored yet. Here’s one set that is made specifically for couples and ranges from deep to funny to sexy questions.
If you want to make more of a game out of it, take turns asking and answering the different questions you find. There’s also so many fun conversation games or specifically couples games out there now! A few examples are We’re Not Really Strangers Couples Edition, The Ungame Couples Edition, Date Night Conversations etc. Look at your local game board game store or online.
Mix it up with an occasional couples night with another couple or two and go have fun as a group!
Having more people can bring in different conversations and energies that can be exciting and/or refresh some conversation topics. You may be able to try a new activity all together or split off into smaller groups and share about your night afterwards.
Try a new hobby together.
Perhaps it’s working on the house together or learning how to dance.
Perhaps it could be learning a second language together at a community college or local language school.
It doesn’t even need to be a extended or intensive hobby. Go bowling, try a painting and wine night, or go to a local trivia night!
All of these will help you two have some fun together and try something new. Even if you are both awful at the activity!
Start couples counseling.
For some couples, it may feel like it’s impossible to make any progress towards getting closer and connecting more deeply. While intentionally practicing some of the above ideas can still be helpful, there may be some hurts or disconnects that need to be addressed further.
Explore if couples counseling can be useful to help get your relationship back on track.
Bonus points: The habit of making a weekly or biweekly appointment that is just for your relationship can also set a fantastic foundation for the regular practices of a date night or hobby exploration.
Use couples counseling as a way to draw closer to one another and deepen your relationship.
Do you live in Colorado and want to work on bringing the spark back into your relationship? Are you thinking about using couples counseling to make a difference? Reach out for a free consultation and see if I’m the right counselor for you and your partner!
