Ways to Prepare for Family Gatherings as a Couple

Holidays and family gatherings can bring up a mix of emotions for individuals. For some, it is dominated by joyful memories bringing up excitement and willingness to spend extended time with family or friends. For others, grief or family tensions can bring up anxiety and/or sadness. Particularly, the first couple of holidays or family gatherings after the loss of a family member or close friend, can bring up mixed feelings of sadness and desire for comfort. Further, if there were abusive tendencies or difficult family situations, the holidays can be fraught with anger, frustration, and discontent. All of these emotions add complexity to attending family gatherings.

Couples and newer families get to navigate this emotional time not only for themselves, but also for their loved ones. By coming together and supporting one another through these times, you can grow closer together even in this difficult time.

So what are some ways that you and your loved one(s) can approach this time with more clarity and peace?

1. Start by setting aside some time to share with your partner what emotions are coming up for you as the holidays near.

Open up this often difficult conversation with one or more of the below questions. Leave some time to reflect and share with one another your thoughts and feelings. And do what you can to create this time clear of distractions. Please remember that you can be feeling a mix of emotions, so hold space for all of the ones you can name. Start with these questions:

• What memories are coming to the surface for each of you? Try to be willing to give voice to and hold space for positive and negative memories.

• What aspects of the holidays are you looking forward to? What aspects are you most anxious or nervous about? Naming these particular aspects can be very helpful for both partners to lean into exciting aspects and setting firmer boundaries around the more difficult ones.

2. Decide together what your priorities are for this time.

Because you two are approaching the holidays as a team, spend some time discussing what you want the holidays to look like and what particular expectations you want to lean into. Some people might want to limit the time spent with a particular family member due to frustration, anger, or past experiences. Others may want to prioritize meals shared with the family.

Name what your individual priorities are and note where your priorities differ from those of your partner. Being able to hold space for the differences as well as the similarities will help you both stay connected and respectful of one another.

3. Set boundaries that you and your partner will follow during these times.

Once you decide on your top priorities, decide as a team what particular boundaries you want in place for these gatherings. The biggest key in this area is to be willing to compromise. While one partner may feel completely comfortable spending all day with family, another might feel like 5 hours is more than enough. Listen to one another’s perspective and decide what you want your approach to be as a team! It can be helpful to identify what are some of the non-negotiable boundaries for each of you, and what boundaries are more flexible.

Remember that boundaries are not just about saying no to people around you. Boundaries are ways to help regulate yourself or keep yourself feeling safe. They are about setting clear expectations and holding to them. Boundaries can include aspects such as time, emotions, physical touch, material goods, and intellectual discussions. Agreeing what topics to avoid or backing up your partner when they don’t want a hug from Aunt Elyse can bring relief and felt partnership for one another.

4. If you are a new couple or family, also hold space to explore new ideas.

What are some new habits or memories that you want to form this year? Perhaps you want to start a hot chocolate date night during these winter months, or initiate a friends gathering. Leaving the opportunity to discuss these new ideas can help you both get even more excited about what you two want to do together.

5. Lastly, set aside some time for connection and gratefulness.

As the end of the year looms closer, start reflecting on this past year as individuals and as a couple. Share the ways that you have grown closer together and be intentional about sharing what you are grateful for with one another. Practice taking note of even the small things, like taking turns emptying the dishwasher. Or sharing thanks when one partner picked up coffee or food for the other on a stressful day.

While this year may be ending, gratitude is a refreshing and life giving way to bring in the new year!