How Finances and Financial Stress Impacts Relationships
For so many individuals, couples, and families, finances are a major stressor and one of the main causes of conflict.
Financial stress is hard to manage and can feel overwhelming for so many.
There are many times that these stressors are brought into more focus.
Some challenges can arise when one or both are going through transitions with work (starting a new job or position, retiring, etc.).
One or both partners may be paying off debt from a credit card or student/personal loans.
For those starting families, having a child and navigating their financial needs bring up so many aspects to consider.
And for many, the difficulty of navigating savings/retirement while paying off regular bills with the recent higher inflation has increased recent stress.
Regardless of what specific stressors are coming up for you and your family around finances, know you are not alone with this struggle!
In an article by Psychology Today, a research article identified money as the forth biggest stressor for 27% of interviewed couples.
Prepare and Enrich identified finances as one of the top 5 stressors for couples whether they were dating, engaged or married! Furthermore, the financial concerns became the top concern during the engagement time frame for both men and women!
Possibly most importantly, finances were named as the third leading cause for divorce according to Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts.
Finances are a tricky subject and need to be part of the conversation for any couple to have a healthy relationship.
Money Stories
Part of what makes talking about money difficult are the narratives and stories that have been enforced for individuals around the topic of money. Everyone has stories about their finances that they have been told, were shown by their family, or created for themselves as they grow older.
These stories make a huge impact on what we think about money, how we feel about money, and what we do with money. By naming and understanding these stories, we gain freedom to review and revise the stories that we choose to continue to perpetuate.
For example, think of a 28 year old woman whose family had difficulty making ends meet growing up. Money when it was present, went straight to pay for the necessities or sporadic “treats” and quickly came and went from the household.
This now 28 year old is making a sustainable income, but struggles with saving money or retirement because they haven’t known what it is like to have a consistent savings that they don’t need to rely upon. This means that when they start looking at bigger decisions like buying a house or starting a family, they feel more comfortable with taking on debt than saving for those decisions preemptively.
By recognizing that pattern, this young woman can start creating patterns and ways that they regularly set aside money into a different account for savings so that it can be there when needed but may be “out of sight, out of mind” for day to day spending.
To get you started, start by reflecting on the following questions to start naming some of the patterns that you grew up with in your own life. It may help to think about how particular people in your family interacted with each aspect, recognizing that you may have seen and been encouraged in separate directions by different people.
What messages did you receive about saving growing up?
What messages did you receive about spending growing up?
What messages did you receive about loaning or giving away money?
What was “the ideal” for finances for your family?
If you were involved in communities such as faith or spiritual communities, what messages around money were you given?
How did your cultural background and community shape the money messages you were given?
After reflecting on your own answers, share them with your partner! Remember that they have a different background and probably have different messages that they are sorting through for themselves. Schedule a few times to share these money stories with one another to understand better the other person’s background and perspective on finances, and help one another identify your combined stress points or continued tension areas.
Each partner has part of the financial problem and by bringing them together, couples can start identifying and addressing the concerns together.
So financial stress is a problem! But what can you do about it?
Many individuals, let alone couples, struggle with looking directly at their finances. Let’s start there!
Set aside a chunk of time to actually pull up your individual bank accounts, credit cards, loans, retirement accounts, etc. This may be a huge step for you, just the idea of the numbers becoming “real” increasing your stress levels. For some, even thinking about doing it brings up stress.
Start by being aware of what you are feeling as you think about and attempt this step. Are you anxious and worried? Tired and feel like giving up? Curious and cautious? Whatever your feelings are as you start, notice those and give yourself some time to feel those emotions.
If this step takes multiple attempts, be patient with yourself and notice the process emotionally and mentally.
Bonus: looking at your financial numbers regularly (once every week or two) can actually help you reduce the anxiety felt about this area of your life as you get used to looking at the numbers and understand them more over time. It does take time, but this step can become more comfortable for everyone.
Now that you have been able to look at the numbers by yourself, start sharing these with your long-term partner.
**Please note that you do not need to share every detail of your finances early in relationships, but if/ when you are considering factors such as moving in together, getting married, and starting a family, knowing the full financial picture about yourself and your partner can help you both enter the next stage of your relationship with your eyes wide open.
Once you are able to pull up your financial accounts/numbers by yourself, set aside some time to have both individuals share their finances with each other. Again, this may be one account or small step at a time, but to build awareness and connection in this area, you need to be able to talk about where both of you are at financially at this time.
After seeing and talking about these numbers, the fun can start!
Let’s starting talking about your goals and values!
Start by dreaming where do you want to be financially? Even if it’s a big dream, share those with your partner! Share the big dreams, the little dreams, and everything in-between! Perhaps you want to be able to plan a trip abroad in the next few years. Perhaps you want to retire in 15 years. Perhaps you want to own a second home that you can rent out for added income. Perhaps you would love to start a side business. Perhaps you want a specific amount in savings.
Whatever your dreams, share them with one another and practice holding space for one another’s dreams! (Bonus points if you are able to hold off on reality checks at this time!)
Next go through those dreams and figure out what you both want for your combined family dreams!
Identify what are the big goals and dreams that you want to work towards as a team. This might be the same dreams as above or be a compromise of your dreams with your partner’s to create a shared vision of the future. Spend some time collaborating and dreaming up these goals together.
This may also be a time for some reality checks to come into play. Perhaps a year-long trip abroad in three years might be unrealistic, but a month away would be possible. And if you achieve these smaller dreams before your time frame comes to a close, they can become larger ones in time.
Once you’ve named and created your dreams, start creating a values-based spending plan.
Identify what are your main values as a family. Reframe your general expenses and savings goals from that lens. See below for ideas.
Rent or Mortgage Payments can mean providing safe/comfortable housing for yourselves and your family
Car or Insurance Payments can mean providing accessible and reliable transportation to your jobs and fun activities (and for the kids)
Groceries/Food can mean providing (healthy) nourishment for your family
Date nights can be fostering continued connection with one another
Gym Memberships can be maintaining healthy exercise habits to improve physical health
General Savings can mean financial security and stability for the family if the unplanned happens
Once you have your general spending reframed as your values, add saving categories for your combined family dreams like a vacation fund, future home fund, etc!
Reframing how you spend money to fit your values can alleviate some of a restriction mentality and help you see how your values are shaping how you spend your money. And if one of the categories seems to be out of balance currently, you can decide as a family the priority of your spending areas and reframe your spending plan to fit that new goal.
Values Based Spending helps you reframe your expenses in terms of your values gets you out of a restriction mentality with your finances.
Want a great book and workbook to get started?
The Art of Money: A Three Step Plan to Transform your Relationship with Money by Bari Tessler is a fantastic resource!
They break down ways to explore your money stories, ways to set up regular “Money Dates” to help you gain confidence with your finances, and practical steps to start understanding and gain freedom and comfortability with your finances.
Want someone to help you and your partner get these conversations started?
Couples Counseling can help you get these conversations started. There are specific financial therapists/coaches who can help you individually or as a couple. Or you can talk with local couples counselors about their expertise with addressing financial concerns.
If you live in Colorado and want to start addressing the topic of finances with your partner, reach out for a free consultation and see if I’m the right couples counselor for you!
Don’t let financial stress get in the way of a rewarding relationship. Start couples counseling to tackle these stressors as a team!
