Gentle Start-ups: How to Start Hard Conversations with Your Partner
Why this skill matters
Communication is important. There are times in every relationship, yes even the best of them, that some hard conversations need to be had. You may be trying to reset expectations, creating healthy boundaries, communicating about your feelings, or sharing about a difficult moment. In all of these cases, you will need to open up to your loved one and have them be able to hear you.
There have also been a lot of studies in this area. Check out the following links for related research: One, Two, Three different resources at your fingertips! Two of the leading marriage researchers, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Robert Levenson, created the following skill to help combat these communication difficulties, and this skill addresses specifically how to start conversations.
After teaching this communication skill to various couples, I have witnessed remarkable improvement in their way of communication. They have been able to approach conversations in ways that were more respectful instead of blaming and both were able to take ownership in finding solutions. One partner even said “I wish I had learned this three years ago” and continues to use this skill today.
That moment inspired me to share this skill with more couples in the hopes that couples may have this skill early in their relationship, saving themselves and their partner a lot of heartache.
Healthy communication doesn’t just happen overnight. Learn new ways to grow in your communication with your partner!
First what NOT to do…
Think about the last time you were told “we need to talk...” What was the thought that first went through your head? How did you feel? I still remember one of these moments myself when my partner at the time started a conversation with this phrase that most link to the death of a relationship. I felt a sudden sweep of cold, froze in place, and thought “oh shit… what did I do? Is this the end?”
Starting a conversation with your loved ones with that phrase IS NOT HELPFUL!! (Unless you are wanting to break up with them, which may help that conversation, but is still not recommended.) The person hearing “we need to talk” goes into freak-out mode, is instantly on alert, and worried about what comes next more than is helpful to any extent.
This freak-out mode is also called the fight-flight-freeze (and fawn) response. The person may become instantly defensive, fighting you with every part of the conversation. They might run away (physically or mentally) and avoid the conversation that might be so needed. They might freeze, go blank and not respond at all. Lastly, they might go into fawn mode, where they accept everything that you say, try to placate you and get the relationship back to what it was before, but again not engaging with an open mind and not being able to provide any productive feedback.
Let me pause and say that this response is 100% completely normal and everyone I have met has had these moments, whether in relationships or not. When this response does come up for you or your partner, you will need to take a break, calm down your nervous system, and come back to the topic at a later time. (More on taking healthy breaks in a future blog.)
Regardless, as you can see, starting a conversation with “we need to talk” is a clear way to start a conversation that gets derailed or goes sideways. All of this can be largely due to triggering that fight-flight-freeze-fawn response. Other common ways people will start conversations will be with naming all that the other person is doing wrong, or starting a conversation about a topic that is somewhat related but not what you really want to address.
Instead, I want you and your partner to practice the following skill to start having productive conversations that help the topic be seen, discuss it productively by both partners, and reduce potential reactivity.
Having difficult conversations is important. Learn to start them the right way!
Practice makes progress not perfection
Note that this skill will take a LOT of practice. We have been conditioned to speak in ways that come more naturally and are often less helpful for difficult conversations. Stick with this skill, practice putting it together before going into the conversation, and use this with everyone. The more you use this skill, the more natural it will become for you.
A couple of ground rules before jumping in.
Do NOT play the blame game. Blaming the other person and stating all of what they are doing/did wrong is never helpful. Blaming only puts the other person on the defensive and stops all progress in productive communication. One way to help check if you have slipped into the blame game is to look for how you are using the words “you,” “always,” and “never.” For example, “you never do the dishes” or “I always have to clean up after you.” Both of these are putting the problem fully on the other person and will likely result in increased arguments and defensiveness from the other person.
Instead try to use “I” language such as “I feel” phrases. Also note that you want to actually name how you feel (emotion words) and not what you think about the situation. For example, I feel sad versus I feel like we get stuck here a lot. This will be demonstrated in the examples below, but is reframing the problem to what you see happening, and owning how you feel about the situation. This helps the other person remain more neutral in the conversation and starts them recognizing the importance of the issue, and the impact it has on you.
Brevity is your friend. The more concise you are with identifying the problem the easier it will be to address that problem. When we start adding in 10 other problems (even if they are all linked) we get overwhelmed and have a much harder time trying to find solutions. Therefore, do your best to stay on one topic at a time and much more progress will be made.
If you are using this with a partner, try to share responsibility for the problem and the solution. There may be times when one person is mostly causing the distress; however, pointing out the faults of the other just leads us back to the blame game. Instead try to identify what you both can do to help limit the problem from happening in the future. This helps both you and your partner feel like a team when facing difficulties and will build more collaboration and connection while you move forward. Remember that it’s you two against the problem, not you against one another.
Practice with small issues first. If you can use this tool effectively with smaller concerns, you and your partner will build positive momentum and start moving towards solution finding more naturally. Then you can slowly work your way up to the bigger concerns. However, if you start there, one or both of you will likely get reactive and bring up that fight/flight/freeze/fawn response stopping productive conversations again. Letting you both feel safe bringing up smaller concerns because you can both respond well, will reassure you and your partner that you can do this with the bigger things as well given time.
Be patient with yourself and your partner. Communication skills take time to learn, develop, and get better at. Practice asking for re-dos and normalize that you both have more to learn in this area.
And now, to the skill:
Using the Gentle Start-up: How to engage in difficult conversations and remain connected
The Gentle Start-up
1. State what exactly is happening that’s creating the issue.
Naming for yourself and your partner what exactly you are talking about will alleviate half of, if not most of, the confusion and miscommunication that often comes up. Again, keep it short and simple if at all possible. This step, while feeling awkward helps you and your partner get on the same page around what issue you’re addressing.
For example:
The kitchen is messy and dishes are everywhere.
When I walk in the door after work, I have a hard time engaging in conversation right away.
We haven’t had sex as much as I would like the past couple of weeks.
The kids are playing and it is very loud in the house.
2. Identify what you are feeling because of the way things are.
Some people are better at this step than others. Take some time to reflect on what emotion is coming up for you. If you struggle with identifying your emotions, stick with the basic 6 emotions: fear, anger, joy/happiness, sadness, disgust, and surprise. Once you get more comfortable naming these you can identify more complicated or nuanced emotions.
Naming these for yourself helps you be more clear, helps with simplifying how you communicate it, and just as important, helps your partner hear and understand your perspective.
Examples continued:
(The kitchen is messy.) I am frustrated about it being so disorganized
(I am struggling to engage with my partner right when I get home from work.) I am often exhausted right when I get home.
(We haven’t had sex as much as I would like.) I am feeling lonely and rejected.
(There is so much noise in the house.) I am feeling overwhelmed by the noise and getting frustrated because I can’t hear myself think.
3. Identify one possible solution in POSITIVE terms.
After you know what is happening and how you’re feeling about it, start with one possible way to resolve or move towards your goal. It does not have to be the perfect solution, but hopefully it is a reasonable one for both you and your partner.
Remember that this is a starting point for conversation with your partner, who may have other ideas about how to resolve the issue. This is when you also need to be able to listen to their ideas and compromise when needed. It can also be extremely helpful if you make it a solution that both of you can face together as this will also lessen defensiveness by the other person.
Examples continued:
(The kitchen is messy. I am frustrated about it being so disorganized.) Let’s tackle the kitchen as a team and get it back to a clean state.
(I am struggling to engage with my partner right when I get home from work. I am often exhausted right when I get home.) I need a short break to come home and relax and then can engage feeling more refreshed. Or I’m going to take a 5 minute break in my car before walking in to breathe and let go of the work day before coming into the house.
(We haven’t had sex as much as I would like. I am feeling lonely and rejected.) I want to have a special time with you tonight and feel connected.
(There is so much noise in the house with the kids playing and I am feeling overwhelmed and getting frustrated because I can’t hear myself think.) Can we have the kids play outside for half an hour to have some quiet?
4. Put them together in a way that makes sense.
When you put them all together, you can merge the pieces better but try to make sure you name all the pieces clearly and concisely.
When the kitchen is messy a lot of the time, I feel stressed and scattered. Can we practice some tidying up at night before bed to limit the messiness the next day?
When I come home from work, I am often exhausted and drained. Can I take a quick break or shower to refresh myself before we really engage for the evening?
When we haven’t had sex in a while, I start feeling lonely and rejected. Can we try to be more consistent with quality time together so that we can both feel more connected?
Try it out!
Once you are able to put all the pieces together, you can really make some progress with your partner and share your thoughts and feelings. Using this tool can help so many conversations become concrete. Understanding what exactly is happening, how you are feeling, and one possible solution, makes finding any more solutions so much easier! Remember to tackle the small things first and build up some momentum with this skill. Here's to some great conversations ahead!
Need more help?
If you and your partner would like some more help around communication and connecting, schedule a free 20 minute consultation with me to see if couples counseling might be the next step.
